Every 6 months or so, I get my breasts checked for various lumps, bumps and other general oddities. It's become a familiar routine that I call my grab and go, or my tweak and peek!
My other half, let's call him Maverick (!), fantasises that I'm being felt up in the doctor's surgery by some tall, Amazonian-like beauty; preferably a Scarlett Johansen lookalike. Or, more pertinently perhaps, he thinks it's a job for which he would be well qualified... provided he can choose his clients. No saggy ones please!
The reality however, is much different. There is nothing remotely exotic about a post meopausal woman, with more hair on her chin than a ZZ Top member, feeling your girls and smiling at the same time. Or perhaps there is- the old male doctor, way past his prime that lingers perhaps a tad too long, leers in at you and claims- "they're perfectly fine my dear". Oooh, it makes you shudder.
So, it got me thinking about all the indignities we suffer as women for the sake of our health, or worse, for the sake of beauty, and why we insist on holding steadfast to that mantra: "no pain, no gain".
Memorable medical moments of mine include a spur of the moment and oh so recent smear test ('cause that's how I get my jollies... !). I lay there, legs spread open and vulnerable to the world like an insect pinned to the board of an eager entomologist, while the doctor bumbled about muttering to himself "hmm, that's odd, I can't quite seem to find your cervix". I was asked to cough on demand, like a soldier enlisting for the army- apparently this would make my shy little cervix emerge from behind wherever she was hiding.
Needless to say, after coughing and bellowing like a bull on heat for a few minutes, my cervix appeared, coaxed out of the shadows, and I escaped relatively unharmed, yet with my dignity in tatters.
I have plenty more stories like this- being electrocuted by a sadistic nurse while the doctor played a particulalry violent game of Space Invaders inside me was especially memorable, and there are many more.
But, I invite you, my lady friends to share your thoughts on all things medical and beautiful and painful that we women brave. And yet we endure!
P.S: Oh- if you are worried about girl things- get it checked out straight away- see your gyno or Dr or check out these sites!
http://www.cancer.org.au/documents/Early_detection_breast_cancer_%20MAY04.pdf
http://www.cancer.org.au/default.cfm
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2 comments:
My first pap smear has always stuck in my head. I was 21 and feeling very nervous. Having it done by my 50 year old male doctor did nothing to ease my worries. He talked me through what he was doing (not sure if that made me more or less nervous) and I tried to relax to make the process as painless as possible. When it was finally all over he congratulated me on how relaxed I had seemed and then proceeded to tell me how I had done much better than 'some girls' who get all worked up for 'no reason'. After pausing he then said as an after thought, 'Although I suppose I don't have a vagina' and I thought 'EXACTLY!' You don't know what it's like, so don't go telling me how you can't understand why some girls find it uncomfortable to have a cold metal object shoved into their vagina, along with a whole list of other instruments. This is the same doctor who later advised me, after I had mentioned I had had a few arguments with my boyfriend, that I should break up with him immediately. No questions about how often we argued, what the arguments were about just 'You should break up!'. Despite having no qualification as a psychologist or counsellor he then told me if I wanted I could come in and have a counselling session because that was a little hobby of his. Needless to say I am not going back to that doctor. Actually it was in that same session that I was meant to have my second pap smear done, however, after about 15 minutes of talking about other things he asked me why I was there and I reminded him it was for a pap smear and he told me we'd run out of time so we'd have to schedule it for another time. So it ended up costing me about $60 to be given some advice on my relationship that I didn't even want and then another month of dreading my next pap smear.
Oh Mel, that is hilarious! Male doctors are horrible!
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